Thursday, August 30, 2012

The Journals of Sven Skarsnook: Day 28

Yesterday, the giants put me in that rolling contraption and took me to some odd place. I was sleeping at the time, so I don't know far it was or how long it took, but when I woke up I was in the middle of scores of giants. It was noisy and smelly and hot -- and the giants were pretty hideous, let me tell you. I went back to sleep. After a quick snack.

Not much else to report. To tell you the truth, I'm still not sure what's going on. Some nights, I just lie awake and howl. The giants come running and I usually get something to eat and a new diaper. So that's nice. But it doesn't explain diddly-squat.

Monday, August 20, 2012

The Journals of Sven Skarsnook: Day 17

I have to admit I haven't much felt like writing. This weekend, my worst suspicions were confirmed. I am not an Arctic explorer. I am not even an explorer. I'm a baby.

What sort of creatures would perpetrate such a diabolical deception on an infant? The same sort of creatures who would dangle these above my head and expect me to believe they were actually polar bears.

I cannot begin to tell you how disappointed I am in this turn of events. In just three short days, I went from a Life of Adventure to lying around in something they call a sleeper bag, basically a sack with a zipper. It's cozy. I'll give you that. But it's humiliating.

Thursday, August 16, 2012

Today's mail and a trip to Target

Today's mail brought both an invoice from my plumber and my property tax bill. For some reason -- perhaps a substitute carrier? -- the mail arrived four hours early. I could have waited. Really.

A couple of weeks ago there was a funny whistling noise coming from one of the pipes leading to an upstairs radiator. Then there was some leaking. Maybe there was leaking first. The radiator had always been pretty feeble, more of a sculpture than anything functional. So we called the plumber who worked for a good 6 or 7 hours on this and that.

16 Aug 2012

Here is another gem of an unpublished blog entry. How could I have not published this?

I don't remember when this was started, but plumbing remains an on-going issue here. I think, but don't quote me on this, that shortly after this entry was begun we had a leak in the master bedroom radiator which dripped through the dining room ceiling. I got the plumber on the line and he told me to tighten a giant nut. "Everyone tells me that," I joked. In my head. Because I don't joke around with my plumber much. I did as he said and there's been no leak since. But we do have some flaky ceiling paper in the corner where the leak was.

Property tax bill! That's a clue. When do the property tax bills arrive? March or February, I bet. I'm guessing this was from late winter 2011.

OK. That's enough.

Dear Futureguy

Hey! How you doing? I was just sitting here, wasting time, waiting for spring or good fortune, whichever wants to come first, and I thought about you, Futureguy, and decided to write. I know it's been a while, but not for you. seeing as how you're not even born yet and all. It's all water headed toward the bridge, no matter when I post, right?

Some of my so-called friends think I'm crazy to be writing to you. "We aren't even interested in what you have to say," they say. "Why would some unborn Futureguy want to hear from you?"

I tell them that's the point.

16 Aug 2012

Apparently this was a draft that I just inadvertently labelled and published. It seems, I don't know, unpolished?

It's not even 70 today, here in Minnesota, after the hottest summer in decades, if not ever. You may be wondering why I'm wasting your time to weather trivia and I guess I can't blame you. Would you prefer some baseball trivia?

What was Joe Mauer's mother's maiden name?

We watched Jean de Florette last night. It was not nearly as good as I thought it was. I wonder if Gerard is still married to Elizabeth.

This was a bad idea, I think. Hope you are well, or will be well.

So ...

Where was I going with this?

It had something to do with the Family Tree and the new baby.

I was even going to work up a map that showed the progression of The Leaches (and the families they married into) from Massachusetts to New York to Wisconsin to Kansas to Illinois (and then to Iowa, Ohio and Minnesota), but that seemed like a lot of work and something does much better.

So, as I said, so ...

The Progression of the Leaches. Yikes!

The Journals of Sven Skarsnook: Day 14

I am beginning to suspect that this whole expedition is a cruel hoax, hatched by these giants who come and go as they please.

Let's consider the facts:

1) My "gear", as far as I can tell, consists of this knit cap. Where are my skis? My snowsuit? My mittens? My boots, fercryinoutloud?!
2) It's really not very cold. I mean, there's a nice breeze and sometimes I do need an extra blankie, but it's not exactly Arctic.
3) Where are my compatriots? I vaguely recall a few from the first few days -- and what a racket they'd make! -- but there's been no one but me for the last week or so. Except for those giants.
4) Shouldn't I have a map?

Anyhow. The Pole, needless to say, remains elusive -- or, as I now suspect, totally fictional. Snacks, at least, appear to be served when I want them. So I have that going for me.

Tuesday, August 14, 2012

The Journals of Sven Skarsnook: Arctic Explorer

Day 12. The third day of this blasted storm has set us seriously behind schedule and cut heavily into our supplies. Already, we have had to cut back on diapers. Lord knows what we will do should this blizzard continue.

Nevertheless, our spirits remain high. Is there any nobler purpose than exploring, testing the limits of one's endurance, wearing the Fatherland's onesie in that pursuit? No, there isn't.

I do have one complaint. We expressly ordered Bouncy Seats for this trek and some clown sent us these "Aquarium Take-Along-Swings" instead, complete with flashing lights and lullabies. I ask you, could we have been given anything more impractical?

That's about it for today. I'm going to nap a bit, then have myself a snack, probably nap some more, have another snack, nap after that.